The Insane Fans
by Leonette
Summary: What new insanity has the Black Hand been forced to do now? Starring Lucien Lachance, Arquen, Belisarius Arius, Matheiu Bellamont, J'Ghasta, Ungolim, Alval Uvani, Banus Alor and Vicente Valtieri doing something incredibly silly.
1. Prologue

**The Insane Fans: Prologue**

**Leonette15: **Look alive, people! You're on in thirty minutes!

**Vicente: **How on earth can I 'look alive'? I've been undead for three centuries!

**Belisarius: **Why do we have to do this? This is so humiliating!

**Arquen: **What's new? Now, help me rehearse my lines!

**Bellamont: **Mommy, that crazy woman wants me to-

**J'Ghasta: **Shut up! SHUT UP! I've got a headache already!

**Uvani: **Oh, Sithis, what _is this she's making me wear now?_ Ouch! Banus, you stood on my foot!

**Banus: **Sorry. I was practising the routine.

**Ungolim: **Has anyone seen my hat? I can't go on without it.

**Lucien: **Does my arse look big in this?

**Leonette15: **Come on, everyone! You should have done all this preparing earlier! Alval, if you don't wear that, I'm introducing you and Banus to mpreg. Ow! Banus, sit still and stop trampling my feet! Ungolim, you know where your hat is so stop trying to get out of this! Arquen, you know your lines off by heart so stop showing off! Vicente, you may be undead but you need to perform in front of dozens of fans so get moving! J'Ghasta, go and get an asprin! Belisarius, you're doing this because I said so! Bellamont, give me that head; I need something to dropkick into the audience! Lucien, your arse does look big in that but it's not important!Urgh, assassins! It's like organising a bloomin' preschool play!

*marches out*

**J'Ghasta: **Wow. She really is bossy.

**Alval: **How else do you think she got me in that skirt?

**Banus: **It's a kilt, Alval. They call it a kilt.

**Alval: **A skirt by any other name is still a skirt.

**Lucien: **I think she gets the bossy side of her from her mother.

**Leonette15: ***comes back in* And, how would you know anything about my mother? Bearing in mind that the well-being of your manhood depends on your answer!

**Lucien: **I just...met her a few times...

**Leonette15: **Good boy. Twenty minutes, people! Let's move it!


	2. The Show

A/N: It's daft! It's a nonsense! It's the Black Hand singing and Morris dancing! It could only be my Christmas present to you all! This is a rare chance of me to show off my song-parody writing skills (that would be NONE).

**Crisium: **If you thought that was ridiculous, you ain't seen nothin' yet!

* * *

**The Insane Fans**

(Shaleez and Havilstein Hoar-Blood enter on stage)

**Shaleez: **Hello, everyone! With Christmas just around the corner, your auspicious fan-authoress and fanartist, Leona Nette, has made an agreement with the Speakers and the Listener-

**Hoar-Blood: **She threatened them with mpreg fanfiction.

**Shaleez: **Shush! She'll hear you! As I was saying, she asked us to introduce this performance-

**Hoar-Blood: **It was either this or take part!

**Shaleez: **I thought it was because she couldn't think of anything for us. Anyway, presenting Vicente Valtieri and the Black Hand, in a specially written parody of 'Me Ole Bamboo' and dressed in ridiculous morris dancing costumes!

_(curtain lifts and music strikes up. Vicente and the Black Hand start dancing)_

**Vicente:**

_The big celebs have bodyguards to protect them from the paps,_

_And, politicians have secret homes you can't find on the maps._

_But fiction people are just ignored, our complaints lie on the shelves,_

_And there are no bans against insane fans, we have to fend for ourselves!_

**All:**

_1, 2, 3, 4,_

_5, 6, 7, oh!_

_The insane fans, the insane fans,_

_We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

_Personally, I blame Lachance,_

_'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

**Shaleez: **Ladies, first! It's Arquen!

**Arquen:**

_I'm the only girl in the whole Black Hand, you'd think I'd be alright,_

_But once I ate Lachance's guts, all fame is out of sight!_

_I don't know why they're so worked up; I'd do it to anyone!_

_And, I didn't know. It just goes to show, how quickly fame is gone!_

**All:**

_1, 2, 3, 4, oh!_

_The insane fans, the insane fans,_

_We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

_Personally, I blame Lachance,_

_'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

**Hoar-Blood: **And, next, the grouchy Dunmer you know and love, Alval Uvani!

**Alval:**

_Where did this Alval/Banus come from? It really gets my goat!_

_When I get my hands on Alcyfis, I'm going to slit her throat!_

_And, ReaperRain is even worse, she makes me look so cute,_

_But, you know who's mean? Leonette15! She put me in this suit!_

**All:**

_1, 2, oh!_

_The insane fans, the insane fans,_

_We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

_Personally, I blame Lachance,_

_'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

**Shaleez: **The second half of the pair, Banus Alor!

**Banus:**

_I don't mind all the attention, 'cos I used to be a loner,_

_But no one seems to figure out, what is my true persona?_

_Alcyfis thinks that I am dumb, Leonette thinks I'm a nut,_

_And it's all too plain about ReaperRain but I don't know who makes the cut!_

**All:**

_1, 2, 3, 4,_

_5, 6, 7, oh!_

_The insane fans, the insane fans,_

_We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

_Personally, I blame Lachance,_

_'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

**Hoar-Blood: **Our exalted Listener (cough), Ungolim!

**Ungolim:**

_Now just because I'm a little Wood Elf, they think I'm not fit to rule,_

_So, they make fun of me all the time, it does seem rather cruel._

_I'm Listener for a reason, remember I can kill with ease,_

_So, don't play around or I shall drown you all whenever I please!_

**All:**

_1, 2, 3, 4, oh!_

_The insane fans, the insane fans,_

_We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

_Personally, I blame Lachance,_

_'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

**Shaleez: **The much neglected Belisarius Arius!

**Belisarius:** Thanks for reminding me!

_I'm almost always completed ignored, is it some kind of curse?_

_Or else, I'm just a comic relief, I don't know which is worse!_

_In one, I am a cleaning freak but what gets to me the most,_

_That Leonette girl, in all a whirl, she made me scared of ghosts!_

**All:**

_1, 2, oh!_

_The insane fans, the insane fans,_

_We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

_Personally, I blame Lachance,_

_'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

**Hoar-Blood: **The kickass cat, J'Ghasta!

**J'Ghasta:**

_At least, I'm not the comic relief, you've got be grateful for that._

_At least I've got some respect, and no jokes have come about cats!_

_There's just one thing that gets me mad, there's this one thing I read,_

_That called me Mr Fluff! That's about enough! I'll have Cerviero's head!_

**All:**

_1, 2, 3, 4_

_5, 6, 7, 8, oh!_

_The insane fans, the insane fans,_

_We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

_Personally, I blame Lachance,_

_'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

**Shaleez: **The much-maligned Mathieu Bellamont!

**Bellamont:**

_It's been hell since I revealed myself, the fangirls want me dead!_

_But, I'm the most developed of them all; so said my mother's head._

_At least they all blame Arquen and I'm left alone a bit._

_But, they'll return and then I'll burn, on a fire with my skull split!_

**All:**

_1, 2, 3, 4, oh!_

_The insane fans, the insane fans,_

_We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

_Personally, I blame Lachance,_

_'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

**Hoar-Blood: **We've saved the favourite for last: Lucien Lachance!

**Lucien:**

_I rather liked the attention at first, I really couldn't moan,_

_But now, it's just got out of hand. I wish they'd leave me alone!_

_They kill just to get me in their rooms, they wrestle me to the mat,_

_And, once I'm dead, they're out of their beds, and chasing the Septim brat!_

**All:**

_1, 2, oh!_

_The insane fans, the insane fans,_

_We're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

_Personally, I blame Lachance,_

_'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

_'Cos we're all driven crazy by the insane fans!_

_(music stops and the curtain falls)_

**Hoar-Blood: **Alright, Nette! We've done the show!

**Shaleez: **Yeah! Now, unlock the doors! And, don't even think about putting this on the Internet.

**Leonette15: **(aside) I promise nothing...

**Arquen: **Uh, I'm dead! So much dancing!

**Ungolim: **Don't fall on me!

**J'Ghasta: **Oh, well done, Arquen. You crushed the Listener.

**Belisarius: **Don't bother. She's asleep already.

**Bellamont: **Where's Mother? Oh, that evil Leonette kidnapped her!

**Banus: **I rather liked that. The audience certainly liked it!

**Lucien: **Who cares if the audience liked it? They're all fangirls.

**Uvani: **And, written by a fangirl too! Those lyrics were awful!

**Lucien: **And, these bloody costumes!

**Uvani: **For once, we agree on something. Right, everyone give me your costumes after this. I'll burn them!

**Banus: **Aw, can't I keep mine?

_Regardless of Banus, all the costumes were burned and it was generally agreed among them never to mention this again. Of course, the fangirls had other ideas..._

* * *

A/N:


End file.
